At the risk of calling down the wrath of Homeland Security upon my person, or Israeli bulldozers upon the homes of my surviving family members, I've decided to become a terrorist.
Oops, that's not how you say it.
I've decided to become a trrrrrrr-rrrrr-ist (mispronounce it like you mean it, with a Texas accent).
It's hard when you become a terrorist, because there is just so much to do. First you have to download the Anarchist's Cookbook off of the web. Then you are have to come up with a good excuse for when the FBI kicks in your door and asks why you downloaded the Anarchist's Cookbook. I've got my explanation ready: "Me just want to help mien kids mit dere homework." If they can cut through the accent, that'll sick the FBI on my kid's teachers, who have it coming.
Then you have to put together a target list. These should be your enemies. Eisenhower had an enemies list and threw it in the waste basket. Nixon had an enemies list and threw it in his desk (along with his "memo to self: call plumbers"). Osama had an enemies list and threw airplanes at it. Then the President borrowed an enemies list from Rummy, and we know what he's doing with it. This is, historians will note, how terrorism evolved from the 20th to the 21st century in America. Ofcourse, you might ask, this leaves out the perpetrators of the OKC bombing. But you are so naive. After the triumph of the right in the coming race and culture war, these brave and gallant martyrs will go by their real name: "freedom fighters."
It's easy to list your enemies. The president, Osama, Wal-Mart, the NHL. But not every enemy can be a target. Can't shoot the President, for instance. Wouldn't be prudent. Also, you'd end up with Cheney officially in charge, without the current buffer of stupidity. Can't bomb Osama, cause you can't find him. Wal-Marts you can find, but they've got security cameras in the parking lot and you'll end up on America's Most Wanted. NHL? Too late....
After somehow figuring out some targets, then you have to come up with a plan. This should not be a problem for me: I am an American, and we are a can-do people. However, this is not something you should just knock off. You have to do it with style and originality. In addition to horrific casualties, you really must bowl over your target audience with something that is aesthetically audacious. And don't forget, you have to act early, so you can dominate the news cycle on FOX for the whole day.
Finally, either before or immediately after execution of your operation, you have to list your grievances in a public forum. This can be done by sending notice to a newspaper or other print outlets (but avoid letters to the editor, which are subject to editing). You can also deliver video to sympathetic media; that's what Osama and the White House does. Or you can just scrawl a manifesto on the wall in blood: Kilroy was here, Juden Nien, Helter Skelter, etc...
Ofcourse, if you really want to make it big, you need a sponsor. The bigger the sponsor, the bigger the bomb. If you get a really big sponsor, you'll get a really big bomb, which will help you when it comes to getting on FOX. State sponsors are the best. It really doesn't matter which state; they can be red or blue. But the main thing is, they have to have deep pockets because things that blow up are pretty expensive. It's also good if you pick a state sponsor who has some expertise in these matters. That way they can advise you in the best way to blow up people and things, which shortens your learning curve. Don't be afraid to ask for help: There are professionals out there with years of experience who are only too willing to share their knowledge with like minded youngsters who are just starting out.
Naturally, a sponsor is likely to want something in return. Sometimes you have to put their name on your shirt. Other times you have to wear their shoes. Sometimes they cut a deal where you wear all their apparel from head to toe. These of course are the best sponsors of all, because their uniforms lend you legitimacy and legal status. Army, Navy, Air Force, Mareeeeens, Mujahadeen, Red Army, Weremacht. Yes, these are the creme de la creme. And the choice of the most discriminating terrorist nowadays is Civilian Contractor, who wear faux names on their shirts like Smith or Doe, names which never manage to get put down on personnel manifests, and which the Abu Graib security cameras can never quite make out.
The drawback to sponsorship deals like this is that you lose some autonomy, and you have to blow up the targets that states, not you, choose. Still it can be a lot of fun, especially if you are bad enough. And after 20 years, if you don't get killed or locked up, you'll have a shirt full of medals, and maybe even retire with the pension of a senior officer - ready for a career in radio, Corporate America, or it's subsidiary the U.S. government.
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Ugh, the time. Gotta shave, go to work. Must remember - spellcheck. Bye!
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