"You Sood Be Asamed"

I'm daydreaming. It is, ofcourse, a bad daydream, as befits a bad, bad, bad man.

But really, this is maybe a bit much. Zzzzz.... Bill O'Reilly has just read my blog and is pissed. It could happen, it could happen... zzzzzzz....

O': Mr. McCheese, if that is your name, I've just read your blog. And frankly, I'm pissed.

M: Oh. Ok.

O': Mr. McCheese. I live in New York. Millions of people live in New York. And 9-11 affected those of us in NewYork in a way you don't seem to fathom. And not just in New York: In Washington, Pennsylvania, Florida, California, in every corner of America, sons, daughters, parents, brothers and sisters died at the hands of terrorists. Do you understand how many people died on 9-11? What do you think they think of you?

M: Well, not much.

O': You got that right. You know what they think? They think you are SCUM. Scum, scum, SCUM. What do you think of that?

M: It makes me feel bad.

O': The truth hurts, you (explitive deleted).

M: Um-hmm.

O': Here's what I want to know. You've said you wanted to be a terrorist. You've equated the U.S. soldier, who risks his life every day to protect you, with the worst of all terrorists. You've suggested that Ms. Condoleeza Rice is the Whore of Babylon. So tell me: How low is too low for you?

M: I don't know.

O': He doesn't know... For God's sakes thank God for commercials. We'll be right back.

O': For a person who claims to want to be a terrorist, who has sided with the terrorists since he's not with the President, yout answers so far seem pretty passive.

M: Uh-huh.

O': (pause)

M: (pause)

O': (pause)

M: (pause)

O': Say something!

M: Nietzche was passive.

O': What?

M: Nietzsche was passive.

O': I heard what you said. You mind explaining that?

M: The guy who inspired the Nazi's, but who boasted - but only in extreme and conscious hyperbole - that he'd shoot anti-semites - like the Nazi's- he was very polite.

O': And you're very polite. But you side with Osama.

M: Not really.

O': Oh, C'mon.

M: When he Nietzsche lost his mind did he shoot up his old school? Did he go postal? Did he fly airplanes into buildings? Did he cook intelligence to justify a war? No, he put himself between a whip and the horse the whip was being used on. He gave the horse a big hug and promised to protect it. But he didn't strike the old Kraut with the whip.

O': And your point is?

M: When Osama got mad, what did he do?

O': He attacked America!

M: And Bush?

O': You mean the President... He overthrew the terrorists in Afganistan. He attacked the terrorists in Iraq. He brought freedom to the oppressed citizens of Iraqs, who just had their first election, by the way.

M: No, Osama and Bush both went homicidal. You could forgive Bush for Afganistan, because we were all pissed at the time, and the Afgans were harboring Al Queda. But really, by the time of Iraq W was just bombing a bunch of little brown bastards so he could take down the family enemy - Sadam. The Neocons played Onwards Christian Soldiers in oval office on the Sabbat, and George marched us into the quagmire. Now we've got perpetual war with "the towelheads," as your people like you say in private.

O': "Uck... Uck..."

M: And Osama, what would he have to be pissed at us about if we'd gotten out of Saudi Arabia after the first Gulf War, and if we'd attempted to act with a little more evenhandedness in addressing Israeli/Palestinian relations, and in particular the West bank settlements? We invoked UN resolutions to justify our attack upon Iraq. But we ignore those resolutions that forbid Israeli expansion into the West Bank.

O': "Uck..."

M: You mean, 'they hate us because they hate freedom?'

O': "Aaggggggg...."

M: By the way, are you a vet? I am...

********
At this point a "good" daydream would end in a commercial break, the triumph of right over right-wing, and a major hospitalization for the host. But I've watched enough "Factor" to know that's not how it would really go. O'Reilly would never be put on the defensive. He's a pro.

O': I just want you to know, I've forwarded your name to Homeland Security. You think what I did to Sami Al-Aryan was bad, that was just fooling around. You don't deserve the protections of the Patriot Act. You should be sent for extraordinary interrogation in countries that allow torture.

M: (in the dark, and feintly heard through O'Reilly's microphone) you mean like America?

O': No, Saudi Arabia or Egypt, you piss-ant. I suppose you are the kind of liberal sissy pants that will ask a terrorist to 'pretty please tell us where the ticking bomb is' when it's set to go off at some grade school in an hour.

M: (off mike, off camera, barely audible) Not really.

O': (to producer), Ok, turn his mic back on for a second, I've got one last question.

O': Let me ask you, where did you go to school? Where did you learn to even think such crap?

M: Would you believe University of Colorado?

O': "University of Colorado"... Somehow, this all makes sense now.

O': Ok, I've heard about enough. Get your ass off my show, get off my show now. Jeezus christ.

M: Ouch! (being hustled off set, into the Black Maria of the State Security Organs).