Well here is a little piece I actually shopped around with absolutely no success even though radical (Islamic) terrorism keeps happening, month after month, week after week, on and on. In recent weeks we have had the Beirut attacks, the Paris massacre, and the latest Mom&Pop slaughter in San Bernadino has been revealed as more of the same. I don't blame Islam for these events perpetrated by kooks. But as the toll of these events continues to accumulate, if there is a God or an Allah isn't it about time for HIM to speak up?
(Heaven) Heaven and the afterlife are reeling tonight after the surprise announcement that the Prophet Mohammad, founder of the faith of Islam, is changing religions.
The announcement follows after a week of terrorist attacks in Mali, Paris and Beirut. These latest atrocities compound the offense of the past year’s violence stretching back to the attack on the offices of Charlie Hebdo, the French satire magazine that published cartoons offensive to Islam, along with all other faiths.
Mohammad announced that he is abandoning his faith of 1400 years to become a Christian, shocking his 2.1 billion followers and leaving them without their leader for the second time in the religion's history.
"That’s it, I've had enough" said the Prophet, expressing his disgust at the murderous rampages by extremists of his former faith. "There is no way I can continue to be associated with so many bloodthirsty kooks pretending to act in the name of Allah, blessed be He, or myself."
This is the second time Mohammad has departed from his Islamic followers. The last time occurred upon his death. In the wake of that brief separation the Islamic world was thrown into chaos and civil war, leading to the creation of Sunni, Shia and other sects within the religion that have persecuted each other as well as non-Islamic religions to the present day.
The impact of this second departure could be more violent and profound however. Rumor has it that the other central member of Islam, Allah, has also been contemplating a break. Sources say that escalating terror attacks by Al Qaeda, ISIL, Boko Haram and countless others have tested his patience to the limit. Only his sympathy for Palestinians, say analysts, has prevented his defection from Islam. But the latest outrages may force His hand.
If Allah as well as Mohammad exit Islam, not only will Islam be left without their prophet, but they will be Godless as well. The religion will then find itself in the predicament of other atheistic expressions of human fanaticism and hubris, chief among them communism and fascism. In that case violence by Islamist radicals will almost certainly spiral out of control to levels not seen since the cataclysms perpetrated by those 20th century ideologies.
But defense establishments around the world are concerned with a more immediate threat, a potential outburst of wrath from among the Gods.
Rumors circulating through intelligence circles indicate that all Heaven is aroused and angry. The Hindu God Shiva, destroyer of worlds, is said to have departed for the Ort belt with Vishnu. The last time the pair visited the desolate and asteroid filled outer reaches of our solar system, the comet that brought an end to the reign of the dinosaurs was hurled back at earth. The pair’s anger this time, say analysts, is much, much worse.
Meanwhile Allah is said to be contemplating brutal punishment, not only against the terrorists, but the entire planet. According to chatter detected by the NSA, there will be cataclysms. Dabiq is rumored to be doomed, but not in the way ISIS imagines. Allah is also threatening to poke the eye of Islamist fanatics with the gravest insult He can imagine – leaving Islam for Judaism. Questioned on how he could join a religion whose followers have oppressed his Palestinians favorites for generations, Allah conceded that he is torn. “While I remain in total sympathy with the righteous Palestinian struggle for statehood and justice, only the angry and wrathful God of Old Testament Judaic judgment seems equal to the outrages of both Islamic terror and escalating human blood-letting.” Internet rumors also point out Allah’s exasperated wish to just stick it to the hated terrorists.
The Buddha and several past incarnations of the Dali Lama are said to be counseling calm and patience. But armed forces across the globe are on high alert in anticipation of a possible Armageddon, and riots in Pakistan.
Meanwhile the world responds to the latest round of violence. In Mali, French Special Forces have arrived to assist Malian troops. America has provided comfort to France in the form of words, sending US Secretary of State John Kerry to speak French for the second time in a year, in solidarity with the French people. The French as always sneer at the Americans, in their customary French manner, but are said to be privately comforted. The horrific attacks in Beirut have been allotted not one but several paragraphs in several western newspapers, far from the front page.
Meanwhile the Pope, another frequent target of both French and Islamist vitriol, expressed compassion for the victims of all the recent massacres. “We pray for all who are harmed by religious extremism, and we also pray for a change of heart among the perpetrators of such acts.”
The prophet Mohammad was said to have been moved by the newest Pope’s remarks, some suggesting that the tone of forgiveness may even have contributed to the Prophet’s conversion to Christianity.
"Mohammad is in disagreement with a great many beliefs of the Christians,” said an unnamed Imam. “But the idea of kindness and understanding expressed by Pope Francis offers a way out from the contentious and vicious dialogue between backward looking Islamists and modernity”
The Prophet’s affinity for the latest leader of Christendom hasn’t been hurt by their shared love of soccer. Muhammad is said to be mad for the Iran National team, while the Pope is a staunch supporter of soccer powerhouse Argentina. Sharing non-alcoholic beverages with Pope Francis and Pope Emeritus Benedict during the next World Cup will surely offer the Prophet a welcome respite from the unending dire news.
