So what happens in Islamic Martyr Paradise when a husband and wife terrorist team arrives?
[ I started this a year or so ago, after the San Bernardino massacre. Just found it and finished it today. I really should look into getting some ADD meds. This is really missing the deadline for a timely piece... ]
Mohammed, the Prophet, blessed be He, welcomes the newest martyrs to Heaven: Mr. and Mrs Malik, Rizwan & his beautiful bride Tashfeen. They being the new Islamic patron saints of San Bernardino.
Prophet: Hiya, Rizwan, Tashfeen. So glad to finally meet you. Been hoping to see you here for a while now. Welcome to Heaven, both of you.
Rizwan: Thank you.
Tashfeen: Oh, what an honor!
Prophet: Hope the trip wasn't too arduous. It's a long way from San Bernardino to paradise.
Rizwan: You aren't kidding.
Tashfeen: Those bullets from the police sting like something else.
Prophet: Yeah. That's what all the infidels were saying about YOUR bullets to Jesus at the Christian Induction Center...
All: HAHAHAHAHA.
Prophet: Great job shooting up your workplace Mohammed. You are so awesome. You and Tashfeen are everything I could ever hope for in terrorists.
Tashfeen: Terrorists? Not Martyrs?
Prophet: Oh, yeah, Martyrs, that's the ticket. Martyrs.... I alwasy forget, you are Martyrs.... Sorry we watch too much Fox News up here.
Tashfeen: No problem...
Rizwan: Awww, Many thanks for your praise. It's all because of my lovely Tashfeen. I couldn't have done anything without her.
Tashfeen: That's right (giggles). Rizzi never had a thought about martyrdom until I came along.
Prophet: Behind every successful terrorist is a supportive wife... that's what I always say. Don't think we don't appreciate women up here in Islamic heaven.
Rizwan: Shariabrides.com is definitely the bomb, not to mention the greatest terrorist recruiting tool ever.
Prophet: Yeah. It's almost as effective as everything and anything Donal Trump, blessed be he, ever has to say about Islam.
All: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Prophet: We love ShariaBrides.com up here too. Tashfeen, if Rizwan hadn't hit you up first, I was gonna swoop after reading your irresistable profile (wink, wink).
Rizwan: Yeah,, I'm so lucky. Her profile sure hooked me. Tashfeen is such a looker, even behind all those sheets.
Prophet: So true, so true. I'd cite some Koran verse about feminine beauty, if only I had it all memorized like my followers. Lucky for me I only had to write it. It's for others to memorize. I have such a bad memory.
Tashfeen: As it says in Qur'an 24:31: "They should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof, that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husband's fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers or their brothers' sons...." etc, etc...
Prophet: Er, yeah....
All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Prophet: Well, my martyred friends, it's time for your great reward.
(Rizwan and Tashfeen look at each other, smiling, in anticipation)
Prophet: Rizwan, as I always promised, right behind that cloud are your 72 virgins.
Rizwan: Ummm... (looks at Tashfeen nervously)
Tashfeen: Go ahead, honey, you've earned them all.
Rizwan: Oh baby, you're the best!
Prophet: And Tashfeen, don't think I've forgotten you. Behind that other cloud are YOUR 72 virgins. Except they all know what to do, again and again and again...
Tashfeen: (blushes)
Rizwan: I'm so happy for you. too. Have no thought of me at all!
Prophet: And don't worry about stoning. This is Heaven.
[ Rizwan and Tashfeen face each other, grasp each other's hands, and stare blissfully into each other's love-smitten eyes ]
Prophet: Ok you knuckle-heads, off you go. Have a ball. I'll see you when you come up for air in a couple of years... which is a long time in Heaven
And so it is that Rizwan and Tashfeen, just two of the many great heros and martyrs of Islam, not to mention one of the happiest couples in the universe, go to get their just deserts.
They go behind their clouds.
Soon there is the sound of huffing and panting.
Unfortunately behind Rizwan's cloud are 72 huge and well hung goats. All horny. All really horny!
Rizwan doesn't stand a chance. Over and over again they go at it. The goats, that is. Poor Rizwan.
And alas, behind Tashfeen's cloud there aren't any goats. Just 72 MILLION hamsters, all martyred in a secular manner in San Francisco. And another alas, they aren't virgins at all. Still, they try very hard, but their little thingees are just so small, so tiny, almost Japanese. So, so, very small. Tashfeen would be in hell if not for their nibbling toothless mouths. And the hamsters are in Heaven too. No more smelly back door for them.
Well maybe this doesn't sound like Heaven. All the same, At least there weren't any pigs behind either of the clouds. There are some places even the stupidest scribbler shouldn't go. Pigs in Islamic Heaven?...
Now that would just be wrong!
Issuing the promised 72 virgins seems likely to lead to marital problems. Unless of course the two are already rather corrupted by earthly values. "Yes, wife, you go ahead with your 72 virgins first. I like to watch."
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